


Only Human

by aavandam



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 22:57:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5267042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aavandam/pseuds/aavandam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor and River spend one last night together before Darillium. What happens when River brings up a touchy subject?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only Human

**“I can hold my breath**

**I can bite my tongue**

**I can stay awake for days**

**If that’s what you want**

**Be your number one.”**

I can hear him breathing but I refuse to look at him. Refuse to let him see the tears in my eyes and the hurt on my face. ‘Never let him see the damage’ may be the biggest rule right next to ‘spoilers’, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Any easier to conceal, to leave my husband in the dark about what I’m feeling when. But that’s how it needs to be.

**“I can fake a smile**

**I can force a laugh**

**I can dance and play the part**

**If that’s what you ask**

**Give you all I am.”**

“River, I’m so sorry. If that’s what you want we can do it.”

“No, it’s fine. You did nothing wrong, you were just stating your opinion.” Quickly I compose myself and turn to look at him, the anguish on his face almost breaking me again but I cannot let it, can never let it.

“I should go. Need to prepare for my lecture.” And with that I exit the TARDIS and step into my apartment. I hold out the tears until I’m down the hallway and I close the door to the bedroom. As the tears come I slide down the surface of the door until I’m on the carpeted floor with my face in my knees. How could I be this stupid? How could I let this happen? I’ve never wanted kids before, what the hell possessed me to believe we could make it work with the life we have? It was a stupid idea. Stupid River, stupid stupid stupid! I never should have brought up the subject; he’s never had the interest in having kids so why would this time be any different?

**“I can do it**

**I can do it**

**I can do it.”**

Standing, I go to my dressing table and take off my makeup, put my hair into a messy ponytail, change into the comfiest pajamas I own and climb into bed. Perhaps a good night’s sleep will help the hurt. Drifting into sleep the last thing I think of is the look on The Doctor’s face as I bring up the subject of us ever having kids, followed by his expression when he realized how much saying no hurt me.

**“But I’m only human**

**And I bleed when I fall down**

**I’m only human**

**And I crash and I break down**

**Your words in my head, knives in my heart**

**You build me up and then I fall apart**

**‘Cause I’m only human.”**

I wake to the feel of sunlight shining on my face through the window in my bedroom and for one tiny moment, the universe is as it should be. The Doctor off who knows where and me; waking up to teach at the University. But then that one tiny, perfect moment passes and everything hits me like I just ran into a brick wall. Slowly I get ready for the day, shower, clothes, make up; and as I’m putting on my ruby red lipstick saved for not very good days I see the reminder stuck to my mirror telling me my next expedition meets in an hour and is leaving in two. I decide that after this The Doctor and I will sit down and talk properly. Neither leaves until we both fully understand the others view point. Grabbing my notepad I write a note to put in the TARDIS for The Doctor to find while I’m gone to explain what I plan to do upon my return, so I don’t catch him off guard. With the written note in my hand I use my vortex manipulator to put it in the center console of the TARDIS. The trademark lightning crackle of my vortex manipulator sounds marking my arrival in front of the University’s library full of students studying for exams next week. I just hope The Doctor finds the note before I get back.

**“I can turn it on**

**Be a good machine**

**I can hold the weight of worlds**

**If that’s what you need**

**Be your everything**

**I can do it**

**I can do it**

**I’ll get through it”**

“Stupid Doctor, stupid, stupid, stupid Doctor.” I chant endlessly as if on a loop. Why did I have to say that? Being scared doesn’t mean I need to be rude! I just can’t bear to think of having children, not now at least. I would have loved to have kids again, but now I can never have them with the love of my lives and she is the only person I want to have kids with. Had she asked before tonight I would have said yes without hesitation of any kind. Why did she have to wait until tonight? Why did she have to wait until Darillium?

**“But I’m only human**

**And I bleed when I fall down**

**I’m only human**

**And I crash and I break down**

**Your words in my head, knives in my heart**

**You build me up and then I fall apart**

**‘Cause I’m only human”**

*The Night Before*

We are lying on our bed in the TARDIS, my head on his chest, his fingers running through my hair. There are no sounds to be heard but my thoughts are deafening. It has been so long since I have seen him this mature. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him older. I’ve been running around with the younger hims, the ones who don’t know me yet. I was beginning to lose hope of ever seeing him as my husband again. But then he shows up, out of the blue on my doorstep, proclaiming he had a surprise for me. He sweeps me into the TARDIS and he tells me to get dressed, something fancy he says, but won’t tell me where. While in the TARDIS wardrobe I hear us land. _He always leaves the brakes on._ I think amusedly. I look in the mirror one last time and, declaring myself ready, leave the wardrobe and find The Doctor waiting for me.

 “Where are we?” I ask.

“Darillium.” He proclaims and I can feel the smile plastered on my face with such intensity I fear my face may start to crack. As we step out of the TARDIS, I catch a glimpse of his face and it isn’t as delighted as I first thought he was. His eyes are twinkling, but not from the lights or happiness, from tears. The moment he sees my worried face he immediately smiles, although unconvincingly. I do my best to ignore the nagging in me that something is wrong and enjoy myself. When the towers sing, he cries and I don’t understand because they are not tears of amazement or joy, but rather tears of despair. He refuses to tell me the problem and we eventually head back to the TARDIS to the bedroom where we lay down and are now just soaking in the company of each other for the opportunities to do so are dwindling and we both know it. Here I lay contemplating how I should approach the subject of kids. Who knows the next time I’ll see him, let alone a version that knows me. If I’m going to tell him, it has to be tonight. I take a deep breath and break the silence.

 “How would you feel about having kids again? I know you’ve had them before but how would you like to have them with me?” I say, starting to ramble towards the end, but manage to get what I want out. That’s when he starts laughing.

**“I’m only human**

**I’m only human**

**Just a little human**

**I can take so much**

**‘Till I’ve had enough”**

I hear the words come out of her mouth and the irony that she brings it up today of all days is so ridiculous I can’t help myself. I laugh. And laugh. I can’t seem to stop until I look over at River and see the crestfallen look on her face, as if I just crushed her soul. I immediately stop laughing but the idea still seems ludicrous and cruel. This is the last time I will see her before she goes to The Library, we can’t be talking about having kids. But the look on her face makes me want to say yes anyway. She turns around and I apologize but it doesn’t seem to be enough because she leaves and goes to her apartment. The last time I see my wife and I have broken her.

**“’Cause I’m only human**

**And I bleed when I fall down**

**I’m only human”**

I’m sitting in the console room making pointless repairs when a paper comes fluttering from the top of the console. I start to read and I immediately recognize it’s from River.

-Doctor

If the TARDIS has done as she promised, as you read this I am at The Library on my next expedition. When I get back to talk about the conversation we had the other night. I will com find you when I get back so don’t worry about that. I’ll see you soon my love.

-River

**“And I crash and I break down**

**Your words in my head, knives in my heart**

**You build me up and then I fall apart**

**‘Cause I’m only human, yeah”**

I’ve just knocked out The Doctor at the Library when I hear footsteps coming from behind me. I turn around thinking it was someone from my team.

 “I’ll be there in a…” I start, my voice dying when I realize it’s not anyone from my team but is The Doctor, my Doctor.

 “Doctor, what are you doing here?” I ask and he lifts the letter I wrote this morning in answer.

“That says I will find you. You didn’t need to find me.” I say, pretending I have some grand plan to come out of this alive, but he looks at me with the eyes of a man who has seen the future.

 “We both know you’re not getting out of this.” He whispers so quietly I could barely hear him.

 “And I wanted to apologize for what I said the other night. I was wrong to disregard what you wanted. I would love to have kids with you, but I knew that it was the last time I was going to see you. The idea of you bringing it up on that night of all nights was just…” he tapers off, tears are slowly making their way down his face, as on mine. I take a step closer as I say,

“I understand. You’re not the only one to blame. I should have stayed to let you explain. But now you need to leave, my love, before the other you wakes up.”

“We have…” he looks at his watch “2 minutes 26 seconds.”

“I need you to do something for me.” I tell him.

“Anything.” He replies, and I know he would do absolutely anything I ask of him in this moment. I reach out for the note I wrote still clutched in The Doctor’s hand, and write space-time coordinates.

“Follow these. You will meet a little girl named Claire. That girl is your daughter. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared, so I hid it from you, but when I was ready to tell you I was only meeting versions of you that were too young. Last night was the first chance I had to tell you.” I say in a rush, looking at the floor. When I look up he has a glazed look in his eyes.

“Doctor?” I ask. Nothing.

“Doctor?” I repeat louder.

“Sorry. That’s what you wanted to talk about?” He asks slowly, still processing.  
“Yes, but when you responded the way you did I figured it best not to tell you. She’s been living with Brian as I can’t care for her properly with the life I lead. I figured it was the best option. There was no way I was sending her to an orphanage. At those coordinates I gave you she should be 4 years old.” Thinking of my daughter and that I will never see her again is weighing heavily on my heart. The Doctor is now staring open-mouthed at the paper in his hand.

“Go to her.” I say softly, as he looks up at me with tear-filled eyes, but behind those tears I can see a flicker of hope in those oh-so-old ancient eyes. He had resigned himself to being alone and I am telling him he has a daughter out there.

“Go to her and give her the life I couldn’t. Promise me Doctor.” I all but plead.

“Of course,” He answers breathlessly, “I will never let anyone hurt her. And if there were any way to get you out of this I would do it in the blink of an eye.” And he says this with such conviction I know our daughter will never want.

“You need to go Sweetie. I love you but you have to leave.” Trying to get him back to the TARDIS before the younger him wakes up.

“I love you too River. I hope you never doubt that.” He says, and then he returns to his TARDIS. But he suddenly turns around and kisses me deeply, putting more passion into the kiss than I’ve ever seen and I return it eagerly, but we have to part all too quickly and he goes into the blue box which became my home. I quickly wipe my cheeks and I listen to the TARDIS leaving _. Those damn brakes._  I think with an amused smile. Ok, time to get back to work.

**“’Cause I’m only human”**

Standing at the console I flip some levers and find myself in 2013 Leadworth in Brian’s backyard. As I exit the TARDIS, a little girl with blond curls in pigtails comes running towards me and latches herself onto my leg.

“Daddy!”


End file.
